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Joke of the Day

"Pick a number, now add 7, divide by 4, write it down. Now get an apple, name it, show it a picture of your cat. Now go to bed,you're drunk."

"My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said that's a big word for a nine year old."

"My New Years resolution is to not make a New Years resolution. I figure I am going to fuck it up anyway... I may as well do it from the start."

"Watching police ticket people parked incorrectly that are in church right now and understanding that Jesus and karma have a sense of humor"

"Do you know the best part about having only one eye and bad vision? LASIK is half off."

"An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked"

"What do you call the spaces between the bits on a comb? Hair-vents."

"Why don't French people smile in pictures? The French word for ""cheese"" is ""fromage""."

"Why can you only drown a hipster in a tributary? Because, it isn't mainstream."

"Texts: Cool! What does it say? Emails: Oh God... what do they want? Phone call: I basically assume someone has died."