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Joke of the Day

"No matter how hard you try to push that envelope It will still be stationery. ^edit: ^spelling..."

"My daughter teaches me something every day. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes"

"What's the most popular occupation in Italy? Pastatution."

"I hate when people ask me what I see myself doing in 5 years...... I don't have 2020 vision"

"Irony is lost on kleptomaniacs because they take everything literally."

"I've completely cocooned myself in this blanket, and I'm not coming out until I'm a fully functional adult or a butterfly."

"I like my women like I like my Isis victims. Topless. Remember, this is just a joke, so don't be offended. It's nothing to lose your head over."

"What kind of shoes does bread wear? Loafers."

"I got 99 tabs open but my work ain't one."

"A guy gets pulled over for speeding The cops walks up to the guy's car window and says ""Son, I've been here just a waitin' for you all day."" The guy replies ""Well, I got here as fast as I could""."