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Joke of the Day

"We have enough breakfast items for the toaster now, food scientists. Move on to the car heater vent."

"Wife: Could you be dehydrated? Me: Of course not. W: How much water have you had? Me: Two coffees & a bourbon. W: Wow. Me: Told you."

"My brother lost his job at the rubber factory ... but I think he'll bounce back."

"What do you call a dream about soda? a fanta sea"

"What do you call an arranged marriage between two communists who don't like each other? A so-be-it union."

"How many friend zoned guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they will all just stand there complimenting it and get pissed when it wont screw."

"Congrats to Ohio State, you didn't have the worst performance of the evening... ...Mariah Carey's got your back."

"Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince."

"*stares into distance* Distance: Please stop staring. It's rude."

"McDonald's is opening their first restaurant in India. Employees must ask if you want flies with every order."