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Joke of the Day

"I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes."

"Of course he's a ""jolly"" rancher. He's herding candy. I'd be fucking delightful if that were my job."

"What's frozen water and dangerous? ISIS"

"Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them."

"So I was driving down the street when I saw a couple guys trying to take an old lady's purse. I ran her over to help We got it off her eventually"

"I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case."

"What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay to see a lentil."

"Coffee is so addicted to me, it can't wait to get in my belly. In its defense, my belly is awesome."

"My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said that's a big word for a nine year old."

"I thought a drone was the sound women make when you're trying to watch the game?"