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Joke of the Day

"[Baby crying in a movie theater] Me: ""What's his name?"" Parent: ""Ethan."" Me: ""The movie's starting, Ethan."""

"My initial goal is to get really, really fat and be a contestant on The Biggest Loser."

"I'm DJ'ing my daughter's 11th bday. As DJ D. A. D. , I need to collect your best dad jokes suitable for the mic! I'm sure she'll forgive me... eventually.... Hit me!"

"What fruit worries teenagers the most? A promegranate."

"What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a zit? Nothing, they both come on a boy's face when he turns 13."

"My wife is so weird She starts every conversation with *""were you even listening to me? ""*"

"*Getting murdered* omg I have the exact same knives"

"""Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!"" [tries to date pizza] [gets friend calzoned]"

"Damn boy! What's your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS Oh you're a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?"

"Have you seen John anywhere? No, but I've Cena guy just like him."