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Joke of the Day

"""Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!"" [tries to date pizza] [gets friend calzoned]"

"Smells like carrots. Q: What is invisible and smells like carrots? A: Bunny farts."

"Being drunk was nice because it gave me an excuse for why I'm such an asshole."

"The local Chinese restaurant has creme brulee, but it's not on the menu. It's Secret Asian Flan"

"What is a pigs favorite type of acrobatics? Porkour"

"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already"

"[Food Network: Cake Wars] As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table. Cat Judge pushes it off the table"

"I'm in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they're both on their way to tell my husbands."

"I have a date this weekend with a girl who has a shoe fetish... But I'm a little worried about getting off on the wrong foot."

"A man goes to a house of ill repute on his hundredth birthday He tells the madam, ""I'd like a woman."" ""Forget it old man, you've had it."" ""How much do I owe you?"""