227076

Joke of the Day

"I watched my cat wake after an 8 hour nap, and play with joyful abandon with his 10 cent plastic snake, and thought: Lucky fucking bastard."

"What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job still sucks."

"What did the gay deer say after leaving the club? I can't believe I blew ten bucks in there."

"If you skip church on Sundays.. You're pulling a Christian Bale."

"What do you call a line of hundreds of rabbits, moving backwards slowly? A receding hareline"

"People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that's Rick Santorum? Ok carry on."

"Sweaters aren't the only garment named after a gross bodily function... There's wind breakers, too"

"What do you call a group of security guards in front of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy."

"Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti."

"The annoying moment when I get comfy in bed and realize I forgot to do something."