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Joke of the Day

"I wondered why everyone said I had ""bed hair"", until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head."

"[texting] you mean the wolf to me -wolf? ha! autocorrect fail! -lol what i meant to say was...you're a mean wolf to me"

"If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it... ...does a hipster buy it's album? Not mine but I love it."

"A gaggle of geese. A murder of crows. A nope of laundry."

"On the train... A girl sneezes. you: ""bless you."" she: ""sorry, i have a boyfriend."" voice from a few seats behind you: ""i'm a vegan."""

"Parenting Tip: Place fake present under tree with unruly child's name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace"

"I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone."

"What do you call a Muslim flying a plane? A pilot you racists."

"Yo momma is so fat, when she sat on an iPod, she made the iPad!"

"What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot ""you racist"""