44008

Joke of the Day

"Parenting Tip: Place fake present under tree with unruly child's name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace"

"Is it bad to feel the need to finish off prescription drugs before they expire? I don't have most of these ailments but they were expensive"

"I'm always good at figuring out who dies first in a movie but sometimes directors fuck with me by casting too many black people..."

"Hahaha you're killing me. ~Me to this cigarette."

"What do you call a pessimistic pelican? A pelican't."

"My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations."

"Did you know how chinesse parents name their childs? They throw a tincan downstairs and take note how it sounds: ""Chin Tan Chung"""

"I don't wear a watch. I DECIDE what time it is."

"I really hope I don't wake up tomorrow morning. I don't want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day"

"What is hard when it goes in your mouth but comes out soft and sticky? A gumball."