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Joke of the Day

"On the train... A girl sneezes. you: ""bless you."" she: ""sorry, i have a boyfriend."" voice from a few seats behind you: ""i'm a vegan."""

"Fifty clowns got fired from the circus. Luckily, it freed up three parking spots."

"A notorious card sharp was found dead last night. He'd been clubbed on the heart with a diamond spade."

"What is the difference between Hillary Clinton and the hookers in downtown Little Rock? The hookers have real orgasms and fake diamonds."

"You might want to read all of my tweets... so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better."

"Being clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store."

"I accidentally ran over and killed my neighbor's cat today... I was too scared to tell him to his face, so I left a note saying ""curiosity was here."""

"Pros don't ever use the Tip."

"I'm not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn't act faithful. She can't act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either."

"Why did the punctuation mark have such an easy time going out with other punctuation marks? It was a comma dating."