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Joke of the Day

"After a thorough diagnosis, my doctor couldn't figure out the cause of my uncontrolled flatulence... When I asked him what the problem was, he told me ""Your gas is as good as mine."""

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"Advent calendars are fun if you ignore that every day is a new, fresh hell waiting to be survived."
"upon my death: 1. tell my kids I loved them 2. give my daughter my jewelry 3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case"
"ME: can u pick me up in ur claws DRAGON: go AWAY dammit ME: can u just put me in ur mouth plsI wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail"
"To the guy with the friend who dates Asians.... Maybe he just needs some time to re-orient himself?"
"Kids these days have it real easy. There weren't as many paedophiles in my day. I had to buy my own candy."
"In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was ""I'm less stabby than normal"" not ""Please tell me about your cat."""
"Why didn't the lipid ask for water He wasn't carbohydrated"
"How do parents in Africa celebrate their kid's first birthday? They bring flowers to his grave."
"Where does the Empire buy their robes? The Darth Mall!"