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Joke of the Day

"Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app this morning... ...and it sent an ambulance to my house"

"Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack."

"Why was the hamster a bad Supreme Court Justice? Because his mind was always on a pellet."

"""Speak softly and carry a big stick."" -- Teddy Roosevelt ""Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick."" -- Donald Trump"

"A Muslim started a line of sex toys ... He specializes in blow up dolls."

"What part of ""No"" don't you understand? Probably the whole thing I'm guessing. It's a pretty short word. What? You're a squirrel? Sorry"

"I have a good joke about a nice balloon. Oh wait. It just got away from me."

"I have never once hit a drink or treated one badly so don't tell me about alcohol abuse!"

"Did you hear the one about the baseball player murdered mid-game? He went down swinging!"

"Why can't Tarzan be played by a black actor? It wouldn't be an adventure movie then, it'd be a documentary."