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Joke of the Day

"[commercial for soup] NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?"

"Why does a midget laugh while running Because the grass tickles his balls"

"I'm simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min."

"Did you know that when a pigeon has sex it dies? Well the one that I fucked did"

"So what DID the reddit admins said to the mods?"

"A girl recently asked me which Beatles song describes her the best... I guess 'She's so heavy' wasn't the best choice."

"Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now."

"Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies"

"What if the pilgrims had shot a Bobcat instead of a Turkey? (NSFW) We'd be eating pussy for Thanksgiving!"

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, ""This is all melted! Why would you serve this outside?"""