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Joke of the Day

"Can you open your mouth without showing your teeth? You're hired."

"I'm writing a book about how people can free themselves from taking pictures of themselves. It's a selfie-help book."

"I watched a tv show about beavers today... Best dam program I've ever seen!"

"Getting a PhD is like an erection, it's long and hard.... unless you're Chinese."

"I didn't want to walk in the woods. But i was forest"

"RadioShack is on the verge of shutting down. . . I guess its batteries are running out"

"I wish I could illegally download better health care insurance."

"CRUEL JOKE What did the blind, deaf, mute quadraplegic boy get for Christmas? Cancer."

"Accidentally pressed the soap dispenser instead of the toothpaste. Mouth feels clean but I don't think I'll be able to curse today. Shucks."

"Friend: I'm surprised to see you eating a salad. Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*"