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Joke of the Day

"*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*"

"My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra."

"What do you call the occasionally toxic, organic substances that accumulate over the years in a hoarder's house? Horticulture."

"CAPT. AMERICA: Merry Christmas, Hulk! Happy Hanukkah, The Thing! Er... what religion are you, Thor? THOR: Do you understand I'm an actual god"

"The only 'B' word you should ever call a woman is ""beautiful""... ...because bitches love it when you call them ""beautiful"""

"What did the woman say to her husband who constantly turns the heater up way too high? ""This is why we can't have ice things!"""

"Just met a guy.Omg he was so fit! Just met a guy.Omg he was so fit. Handsome even. Never will I met a guy like him again. Caring. Emotional. Nice. And his name was the first letter of each sentence"

"What's a Pedophile's Favorite Part about Hockey? Getting there before the first period."

"""Oh my god, that's so offensive!""- Someone, about everything."

"You should never trust a person as far as you can throw them. Needless to say, I trust the fuck out of babies."