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Joke of the Day

"[speed dating] Me: Periods. Her: Huh? Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside? Her: In the US or the UK? Me: Let's get married."

"Why doesn't anyone get laid on Thanksgiving? All the coats are on the bed!"

"Why did the dick go to 7-11? To get a Slurpee."

"Is it too soon to crack a joke about flight MH17... Cause I'll probably be shot down."

"Strangers are friends you haven't met yet. Friends are lovers you haven't kissed yet. Lovers are corpses you haven't killed yet."

"Half of Chinese men have cataracts... The other half drive Lincolns."

"My daughter asked me to help her find a job because she's learned enough in school. She's 5."

"If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers... you need to quit cold turkey."

"When I was a kid I wanted to become a pirate, and sail the open seas. But instead, I just ended up downloading a lot of movies."

"[in car with wife] ""did you take $20 from my purse?"" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*"