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Joke of the Day

"[in car with wife] ""did you take $20 from my purse?"" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*"

"A man has been found guilty of overusing commas The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence."

"My girlfriend asked me if I felt like aural. I think that's where it goes in one ear and out the other."

"*lowers car suspension to look more gangster* *takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*"

"My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said ""Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."""

"What's the difference between England and a cup of tea? The teabag stays in the cup longer."

"My co-worker is so annoying... She's always showing me pictures of her daughter and always asking: ""Have you seen my baby?"" It's so annoying, come on, its been two years, they're never gonna find her."

"Dogs can't operate an Mri machines... But catscan"

"OMG, I have finally discovered what is wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right, and on the right side there is nothing left ...... intresting"

"Jack went to see the camp nurse. 'I fell last night' he said. 'And I was unconscious for eight hours.' The nurse was shocked. 'How awful. What happened?' 'I fell asleep!'"