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Joke of the Day

"What did the 40 yr old bassoonist tell the proctologist? You need to examine my butt soon."

"[final debate] TRUMP: I'd like to apologize to hillary MODERATOR: umm ok HILLARY: umm ok TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*"

"He's hot, I swear! Hang on, let me find another photo..."

"A guy asked me out! Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is. FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work."

"Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it"

"The difference between a scientist and a plumber... The way you pronounce unionized."

"A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows... The steaks had never been higher."

"went to europe once for a miles davis concert --sorry, i meant kilometers davis..."

"Oh, you thought my hair twirling was flirting? Actually, it was just me checking for split ends because you were boring the shit out of me."

"If I were to remove my intestines and lay them out, they'd reach all the way to my ex-wife's house. SEE, DEBORAH? I'M A MESS WITHOUT YOU!"