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Joke of the Day

"I just burned 2000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven when I take a nap."

"What's the deal with rape whistles? I can't imagine a situation in which blowing on a whistle is more effective than yelling ""RAPE!"""

"I would NOT want to have to pay Carly Rae Jepsen's phone bill."

"Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face. I teared up a little. I get strippers, I get it."

"[date started at 9 pm] [9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences. [10:20 pm] Me: Me too."

"What's the difference between a school teacher and a train? A school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, a train says choo choo."

"What do you call a snake that makes a lot of noise when it eats? A slurpent."

"Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac who has dyslexia? He lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog."

"How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb? One to hold it and the rest of the world to spin around them."

"I am really good at making jokes. Title."