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Joke of the Day

"[bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor"

"When they say ""all expenses paid"" does that include bail?"

"Cable guy's here. I plan on yelling ""DON'T MAKE ME HIT YOU IN FRONT OF HIM!"" to my girlfriend before he leaves."

"Why did the bartender put on a sweater? She thought it was a little drafty."

"A man walks into a bar He says ""ouch!"""

"""Dad, why isn't there chocolate meatloaf?"" - my brilliant 3 year old son Patrick"

"Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought ""damn magic is dope as hell."" #LastLinesFromGreatBooks"

"Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around ""the law"". Judges don't like it."

"If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress"

"Why cant obama ever be on a dollar bill? they would have to use to much ink."