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Joke of the Day

"Here Here Here Here Here Here Here -1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places."

"""If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?"" THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next."

"Did you hear about the cannibal who tried eating his clone? He was getting ahead of himself."

"LPT: How to tie an extremely difficult knot Just put it in your pocket. Works like a charm with my headphones every time."

"What's the password to Forest Gumps laptop? 1forest1"

"I see there's going to be a new PeeWee Herman movie on Netflix. It's a good thing it won't be in theaters."

"hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work at 39: ...finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano '98 olympic pins"

"what's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? the taste."

"I wish making friends didn't involve talking to strangers."

"What do you do when you are riding a horse, and a cheetah and ostrich are chasing you? You get your drunk ass off the carousel!"