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Joke of the Day

"hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work at 39: ...finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano '98 olympic pins"

"eating the classic new york dish we all know and love that's right the individually purchased sleeve of ritz crackers"

"""Son, I found a condom in your room."" ""Gee thanks, Grandpa."" ""Why are you calling me Grandpa?"" ""Because I couldn't find it yesterday."""

"The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?"

"So drunk that if Dracula bit my neck right now, he'd get a Bloody Mary."

"Why was the plant embarrassed? It soiled itself. *Buh dum ts* *Dodges tomatoes*"

"Which doesn't belong: Meat, a Blow Job, Your Wife, An Egg A Blowjob, you can beat your Meat, you can beat your wife, and you can beat an egg, but you can't beat a blow job"

"Paddy wanted to buy a Labrador.. Mick said ""Fuck that, have you seen how many of their owners go blind!"""

"""Echolocation, echolocation, echolocation!"" -Dolphin realtor"

"Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it's half empty? Me: cause you're a pessimist!"