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Joke of the Day

"I see there's going to be a new PeeWee Herman movie on Netflix. It's a good thing it won't be in theaters."

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"Sailors really want to be cool. But they're just naut."
"Why is Jesus bad at hockey? He always gets nailed to the boards."
"Do you know the fat catholic woman? [OC] She has mass."
"Did you know that after this next album, Matisyahu will be retiring? Soon he will be Jah-bless."
"What do you call a sleeping police officer? An undercover cop."
"11:30 - Sit on toilet, open Twitter. 11:54 - Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs. 11:55 - Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter."
"Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree"
"Twitter has messed me up. Now when someone says something I like in real life, I gently place my hand on their face and whisper ""favorite""."
"""Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?"" ""Can't. Scared."" ""Of the water?"" ""No. Palindromes."""
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