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Joke of the Day

"I just swallowed my record player's needle and nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happened to me, nothing's happe"

"What do you call a group of senior Japanese comedians? Comic Sans"

"Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no"

"Can anyone explain this joke for me? I just don't get it, so it is either meant to be absurd/nonsensical or I am missing historical context: Q:What do you know about Damascus? A:It kills 99% of germs."

"What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife? He gets hammered and she gets nailed."

"Shampoo is much more marketable than it's original name, Shamshit."

"In a job interview ""Name?"" ""JJoon Sttutuartt"" ""Again please"" ""JJoon Sttutuartt"" ""Sir, are you a stutterer?"" ""No, my father stuttered, and the civil servant was an asshole"""

"Which nut is the angriest? The pistachio."

"Why was the ant so confused? All of if its uncles are aunts!"

"Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich."