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Joke of the Day

"""911 what's your emergency?"" MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! ""Okay. I'll send the police"" *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY ""AT MARIOKART"""

"After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyways."

"What's the difference between a tuna a piano and a pot of glue..? You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna What about the pot of glue reddit will ask. Hahahahaha I knew you'd get stuck there"

"My local newspaper ran a story on the decrease of cow psychics. It was called ""Steak Medium Rare"""

"Why is Oklahoma so windy? Because Kansas sucks, and Texas blows"

"I just want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa... Not like the passengers in his car who were screaming quite loudly."

"[First Date] HER: I love dogs. ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador - medium rare."

"Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife's office Christmas party."

"Granny always said, 'If in doubt, check it out.' My addition: 'If the answer gets your goat, punch 'em in the throat.'"

"I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN"