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Joke of the Day

"I just want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa... Not like the passengers in his car who were screaming quite loudly."

"""Doctor, tell me, if I quit drinking will, will I live longer?"" ""It will definitely feel longer. """

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades."

"Now that Scalia, the bullfrog of SCOTUS, has passed away... Can we say he finally croaked?"

"Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, ""NA NA, you couldn't stop me!"" so he also received his first cross-check."

"When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice."

"Can't believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up"

"What was the last thing to go through Princess Diana's head before she died? Her asshole."

"Do retarded people know that they are retarded? Person A: Do retarded people know that they are retarded? Person B: I don't know, do you?"

"I asked a Chinese girl for her number..... She said, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"" I said, ""Wow!"" Then her friend said, ""She means 666-3629."""