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Joke of the Day

"Pistorius won't have trouble finding his feet when they jail him, they will be kept in a box next to the door"

"Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything."

"Dilemma If you had to choose between your wife or a million dollars, which car would you buy first?"

"How can you tell if a redneck is on her period? You can see the blood on the tip of her dad's penis."

"Why are the steaks so high? Because the pot was calling the cattle back and the cows went back to the marijuana field."

"Me: *tied up* Guy: *hits my kneecap* M: I'm not a rat! G: Bring in her sworn enemy! G2: *tosses Rubik's Cube at me* M: Oh god no! I'll talk!"

"My thoughts are as pure as snow... after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it."

"I gave my dad a two handed high-five once when I was 10. I had to spend the next 12 years convincing him I wasn't gay."

"England are to have a new captain next week. His name is Roger Smith and he's the pilot for the flight home."

"What Do You Call it When Someone Steals Someone Else's Coffee? A Mugging."