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Joke of the Day

"England are to have a new captain next week. His name is Roger Smith and he's the pilot for the flight home."

"How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? Hella. How long does it take them? Days."

"Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies: 1) will this location be discovered by Pokemon players? 2) do I care?"

"Zeroing a scale is a tare-able decision . . . I'm sorry"

"How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes? Hold up your arm and say 'Go back you didn't say 'May I?''"

"Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fcuk me the pass the parcel was quick!"

"Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble? A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia."

"What do you call an old man's hard on? Petrified wood."

"I think Google's a woman... Because it won't let you finish a sentence without coming up with other suggestions."

"I started breeding pygmy malamutes, and I gave one to my SO, but they left me before they saw the puppy. All I said was, ""Hey, you're getting a little husky."""