210435

Joke of the Day

"Friend : ""I wasn't that drunk!"" Me : ""Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming ""YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!"""

"A Republican, a Democrat, and a Socialist live in the same building. One day there is a fire, but only the Socialist dies. Why? everyone else was at work."

"Why can't you trick unemployed jesters? Because they're nobody's fool"

"Five years ago I asked the most beautiful girl in the world out on a date, today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times."

"It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians."

"How can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? One you'll see in a while, the other you'll see later. Credit to Mitch hedburg"

"Self checkouts are great if you're in a hurry or don't want to pay for everything."

"Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally."

"My congressman just wrote to tell me if I don't re-elect him, whatever-scares-me-most will probably happen. Send money."

"""there's only one thing to do when you're Zero Dark Thirsty"" *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*"