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Joke of the Day

"My congressman just wrote to tell me if I don't re-elect him, whatever-scares-me-most will probably happen. Send money."

"How does Harry Potter travel about? Walking -Jk Rolling"

"Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump."

"if you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, ""in jesus name amen"""

"A vegan, a cross fitter and an engineer walk into a bar No they didn't, they couldn't decide who got to tell the bouncer at the door what they do."

"When my wife asks me why I'm always late home from work I tell her I was getting some In-N-Out. She hasn't figured out why I'm still hungry when I get home."

"I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse."

"Nothing bums me out more than realizing how many celebrity baby names I know."

"[skydiving with my dog] Me: ur ears r inside out My dog: can't hear u my ears r inside out Me: it's the wind My dog: I think it's the wind"

"Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash. This divorce thing is really working out for me."