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Joke of the Day

"I think I was meant to be an American, because every one I've met is funny, smart, kind, and thinks too highly of themselves"

"What is white on top and black on the bottom? Society."

"I sent a text to my friend's mobile: ""Lost my contacts. Send me your number"". He replied with his name and number."

"We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police."

"[At a One Direction concert] No, I'm not a...I SAID NO I'M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH"

"WIFE: Where are the groceries? ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean? *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*"

"What did the woman say while she was having a baby? ""This could use some salt."""

"""Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?"" asked the taxi driver. ""Is it his shield?"" I asked."

"What does a guy drink when he wants to go out with a girl? DATERADE"

"Why did the guitarist go to jail? For fingering a minor"