20406

Joke of the Day

"I wish life was more like hockey... Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?"

"as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I'm an adult, I think it's a tremendous amount of money"

"Well you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm incontinent No time to talk."

"HER: Are you a dog or cat person? BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great* ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine. BRAIN: *nailed it*"

"My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk."

"What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

"It's polite to stand when a lady comes to the table. I take it a step further and leave the restaurant entirely."

"I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be ""saved"" or you'll ""burn""... Fucking firemen."

"*spills water on pants* ok don't let anyone think you peed your pants ""hey what happ--"" MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL"

"To whom it may concern, The inventor of thirsty Thursday obviously never had to work on friday..."