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Joke of the Day
"Emmy Awards In the U.S., your program has to win an Emmy. In the U.K., programme already has one."
Next Joke
"I don't mind that my wife thinks I'm crazy. I mind that I have to hear it from our dog."
"The Brooklyn Nets"
"If a threesome is having sex with three people, and a twosome is having sex with two people... I'm handsome."
"[petting friend's new guidedog] so how did you get here? ""he brought me"" wow [later in bed w/ wife] did you know dave's dog can drive a car?"
"Rules of Hawaii Going to Hawaii and wearing a plastic garland as opposed one made with real flowers is the best way to tell everyone else you're a cheap lei"
"Why did they arrest Jared Fogle at 3:15? That's when the big hand touches the little hand."
"My daughter may only be one year old today, but she retrieves beer from the fridge at a fourth grade level."
"What do you mean dinosaurs didn't have titties?! *throws my camera on the ground and causes a scene as I leave the museum *"
"A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some."