189814

Joke of the Day

"List of food it's okay to eat with your hands: - corn on the cob - chicken wings - ribs - hamburgers - spaghetti at your in-laws"

"WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine. FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied. ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula."

"The only Foursquare location I'd be interested in reading you tweet from is the cave of Bin Laden."

"I only trust people that like big butts. ...they can not lie."

"Is it blowjobs or blow jobs? Fuck, I hate writing thank you cards."

"I went to go see the Vagina Monologues... I went to go see the Vagina Monologues/And all I got was a yeast infection."

"Never trust someone who says you're more important than cheese. It's an obvious lie."

"my career as a Walmart greeter was cut short when the manager noticed me singing ""Welcome to the Jungle"" to every customer"

"Why did the blonde snort Nutrasweet? Because she thought it was Diet Coke"

"You know who is the worst person ever? Yes, Harry, he is."