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Joke of the Day

"When people say ""life is short"". What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer?"

"What's the first step to making your favorite Jewish dish? Preheat the oven"

"My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights."

"I want to ask you out, but I've got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots. And.."

"ME: Where are the posters? WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! [In other room] *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*"

"ROOMMATE: While I'm away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake? ME: Sure [later] ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something"

"There's an Irishman, a Jew, and a homosexual standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community."

"Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France. It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes."

"Bought some shoes from my drug dealer Pretty shitty ones though, he's a drug dealer, not a shoe salesman."

"When you're feeling down, just remember... you've accomplished more than Steve Jobs this year."