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Joke of the Day

"ME: Where are the posters? WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! [In other room] *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*"

"Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer... she exclaims, ""Some asshole's got my pen!"""

"The life expectancy of reindeer is 8-10 years. We can stop singing about Rudolph now."

"If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not."

"Patron: How come this fly is swimming in my soup? Waiter: I gave you too much. It should be wading."

"[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock... Whoops, wrong sub."

"Hello is this HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer."

"If you're the best at bodybuilding, all you've really accomplished is grossing the rest of us out."

"Osama was found hiding in mansion in Abbottabad. Talk abbot-a-bad place to try and hide..."

"Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest? Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry..."