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Joke of the Day

"The pilot asks over the PA system whether there's a doctor on board From the back a guy shouts ""I'm a vegan!"""

"""The toilet's blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-"" [Bowser spits coffee] ""Which plumber?"""

"There are two types of people in life... Those who think there are two types of people in life and the rest."

"TIL Schweiger"

"*wakes up from a 10 year coma, pretends to be asleep for an extra 5 minutes*"

"[1st day at Subway] Boss: u said u'd done this before Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I'm really more of an abstract sandwich artist"

"Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day? ...just think about it."

"A mathematician walks into a bar. The bartender says ""You just missed happy hour. All drinks fifty percent off"" The mathematician says ""Thanks, I'll halve to remember that"""

"Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta."

"Only sometimes do I use semicolons in my writing; I don't want to sound like a *complete* asshole. edit: grammar. Thanks, /u/jwfiredragon"