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Joke of the Day

"Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian. They're not laughing now."

"To impress a woman in the workplace, ignore her body and compliment her IDEAS. Example: Sharon it was a great idea to wear that tight skirt"

"I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between."

"You can't take a picture in slutty clothing & glasses & make the caption ""NERD LOL"" You're not a nerd, you're a whore who found glasses."

"I think my wife has a surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed."

"What do you call someone who cuts down trees? A lumberjack, you fucking idiot."

"Jesus was such a hypocrite Preaches waiting for marriage and all that. Meanwhile he just goes and gets nailed 3 times in one day."

"A guy walks into a bar... ""Ouch!"""

"What do you call a Mexican that acts like a white person? A wiener"

"Watching a cooking show when ""We believe this was the last dish they served on the Titanic on that fateful day"" I bet that went down well."