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Joke of the Day

"I used to think my neighbors were racist but that thoughtful burning cross they put in my yard proved to be a great source of natural light."

"[company meeting] Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes. Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]"

"[restaurant] *patpatpat* ME: you hear that? *patpatPATPAT* DATE: what the [penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish] CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM"

"Getting my cat to ""LOL"" is a lot harder than it looks on the internet."

"What's a wrestling chef's signature move? A Soufflex"

"*sticks hand into jean pocket* Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket? *checks other pocket and finds nuggets* Oh, ok."

"Your momma is so fat That when she dies, the moon will finally be able to break orbit"

"""In case of emergency break glass"" Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can't even open a Cheetos bag."

"Me to my Boss: Excuse me, sir, can I ask a stupid question. Boss: Better than anyone else I know..."

"I used to work at an orange juice factory... I ended up getting fired because I couldn't concentrate."