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Joke of the Day

"They should probably have a feature that disables liking horrible statuses on Facebook. Last week 14 people liked that my friend's mom died. I mean, I know she was a bitch, but still."

"Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, ""Please wear."""

"People who are constipated are such activists. They're seriously always trying to start a movement..."

"Do you know the major difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps can actually finish a race."

"(I rest my foot on a woman's purse as she's walking down the street) hey how's it going"

"I can't take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It's still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag."

"In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court."

"70's kids won't get this... Social Security benefits -50's kids"

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a whiz? Because the P is silent!"

"If you ever feel sad remember that there's a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes."