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Joke of the Day

"I can't take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It's still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag."

"I got gas for $1 today damn bean burritos."

"The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist. ~Australian drivers, apparently."

"What side of the road do they drive on in ireland? None. They're so drunk and violent no one is allowed to drive."

"Pick Up Chinese Girl I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"" I said, ""Wow!"" Then her friend said, ""She means 666-3629"

"Went to see my doctor and he told i was going to have to stop masturbating I asked why and he said ""Because im trying to examine you!"""

"Actual voice mail: ""Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don't know how to make the facey-things so...happy face at the end."""

"I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car."

"Thanks to Twitter I now consider 140 characters ""literature""."

"What's a nice way to tell someone that you don't want talk while you're working out? It's not ""Shut up, asshole."" Apparently."