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Joke of the Day

"Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I'm sad? How do you always know when I need you? Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse. Me: I love you too"

"(Dad joke warning) What was the almond tree doing all damn summer long? Nuttin'"

"What do you call a Vietcong that's been hit by napalm? Charlie Brown"

"Dear Father Christmas this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door. Yours Sherlock Holmes Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes? Lemon-entry my dear watson."

"*hears your text message notification beep* *constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*"

"My grandfather never forgave the Japanese for Pearl Harbor... ...until I explained to him that it was the Americans who made that movie."

"""So, do you play any instruments?"" Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*"

"All women want to be swept off their feet, until you push them into the sea. Dating is hard!"

"I tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it. She's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment!!"

"Thanks 'the news', but I get my political info from the Facebook posts of crazy relatives and people I haven't seen since high school."