61323

Joke of the Day

"*hears your text message notification beep* *constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*"

"TIL that vaccines contain a small amount of mercury, a chemical component that leads to autism. -Idiotic Soccer Mom, 2k16"

"One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is."

"A sitar solo so complex and mind melting that the one guy who knows what a sitar is claps"

"I have a feeling drinking Coke all these years is probably more detrimental to polar bears than global warming."

"I've tried every drug but crack. Who you callin' buttcrack, asshole?!?!"

"The rest of the world uses Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. I just learned some girl I hated in high school likes her new pedicure."

"Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP"

"Polar Bear Q: How do you catch a polar bear? A: You make a hole in the ice and line it with peas. When the bear goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole."

"*grandpa in hospice* ""son your generation relies on technology too much"" ""no gramps"" *pulls the plug* ""yours does."" beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep"