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Joke of the Day

"SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock."

"I'm not an alcoholic... My liver is evil and it must be destroyed."

"How do you castrate a guy from Kentucky? Kick his sister in the jaw."

"As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers.... I muttered under my breath, ""Fat fucking cows."" ""What was that?"" snapped my wife. ""You herd."""

"If space is a vacuum... Why is the earth so dirty?"

"HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours? Me: Lindt truffles. HR: Me: Dr. Pepper. HR: Me: Redheads....? *winks* HR: Get out."

"BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called DARTH VADER: the death [inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard] DARTH VADER: uh the health star"

"HUMMING BEES Q: Why do bees hum? A: They don't know the words."

"I'm smiling. This should scare you."

"The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza."