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Joke of the Day

"HUMMING BEES Q: Why do bees hum? A: They don't know the words."

"*Cookie Monster finishes cookie, looks into camera* ME WANT TO TALK ABOUT ISRAEL"

"What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, Man."

"So a baby and I head into a bar, smashed... Wait, I think I'm telling this one wrong... I smashed a bar into a baby's head. There it was."

"If I see another Robin Williams post... I am going to kill myself"

"Kidnapper: Pay up or I'll leak your nudes Me: So what? K: Then I'll tweet your drafts M: Ok don't do anything crazy we can work this out"

"When I order pizza online, in the ""Special Instructions for the Driver"" box, I put ""Tell me I'm a pretty princess"". And they do. And I am."

"My gal pal: ""Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin... What's you're secret?!"" Me: ""Poverty."""

"Butt weight. There's more!"

"What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps CAN finish a race!"