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Joke of the Day

"What would /u/doubledickdude's band be called? The Tu-Wang Clan"

"[at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS"

"""Hey, it's been 6 seconds. Check your phone again."" (my brain)"

"Don't you just hate it when you BP red wine on a white tablecloth? [New verb. Make it so.]"

"I don't hate anyone. I just don't like people."

"I call my mom and step-dads marriage "" 12 years a slave"". He is the slave."

"I get carried away sometimes... Usually because I refuse to leave."

"What do you call a chicken coop with 4 doors? A chicken sedan."

"I had three girlfriends once and that was the worst recess ever."

"If your boss asks ""Working hard or hardly working?,"" come back with a witty quip like ""Tomorrow I'm bringing a gun to the office."""