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Joke of the Day

"[at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS"

"What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack"

"You know how when you're a kid you think your dad is Superman.. Then you grow up and realize that he's just a drunk with a cape."

"What did the right crazy-saggy boob say to the left crazy-saggy boob? If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts."

"What do you call a huge pile of kittens? A meowntain!"

"I hired Lena Dunham and paid her candy To babysit my 1 y/o niece and clean her vagina. She was thorough."

"Catfishing my ex... So you could say we're back together."

"I left work in slow motion but it didn't blow up behind me. This is bullshit."

"Which phone is most sold in Australia? The htc M8. Oi mate"

"My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I'm too goddamned lazy to do it"