111220

Joke of the Day

"I ran out of toothpaste recently So I've resorted to brushing with soap. It's pretty gross, but on the plus side I've really cut back on my swearing."

"Q: Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor? A: Because she was in the non-friction section."

"I'm always delighted when people stick their noses in my business - my company makes paper tissues."

"Why can't Helen Keller drive a car? Because she's Dead."

"Why do dwarf's laugh while playing football? Because the grass tickles their balls."

"Wife:What is 10 years with me? Wife:What is 10 years with me? Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me? Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second"

"A woman is complaining to her neighbor: - My husband is 300% impotent. - A few days ago you told me 100%, not 300%. - Well, yesterday he fell down the stairs, broke his finger and bit his tongue."

"8yo Me: *sneaks candy* 14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes* 18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol* 43yo Me: *sneaks candy* Being an adult is stupid."

"If I could make puppies and kittens magically appear, people would call me ""The Wizard of Awwws""."

"Im on a new diet. Actually im on 2 diets. I couldent get enough to eat on one."