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Joke of the Day

"8yo Me: *sneaks candy* 14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes* 18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol* 43yo Me: *sneaks candy* Being an adult is stupid."

"I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson. I'm not sure which race yet."

"Let's emotionally damage each other and call it Love."

"me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot"

"A horse walks in to a bar A horse walks into a bar. The bartender is also a horse. Everyone human is a horse now. Our lives are simultaneously more and less complicated."

"Shouting ""wahoo"" instead of ""woo-hoo"" so everyone in this bar knows that I'm into fun AND sport fishing."

"Buy an aquarium. Don't buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish."

"It's cool we live in a time where we can just type ""lol"" or ""haha"" without actually having to laugh or have feelings."

"Apparently the Burger King account is suspended while they think of a stronger password than ""horsemeat""."

"There's been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed..."