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Joke of the Day

"What's the best thing about an extremely drunk, angry girlfriend? They don't remember when you smack the ever living shit out of them."

"What should be done in case of apparent drowning? Take the parent out of the water"

"Donald Trump is not the sharpest tool in the shed but... ..he is the biggest."

"This is incredible. My iPhone's battery has made it 3 hours without needing to be charg"

"I stubbed my toe while visiting my parents. ""Mother fucker!"" My dad pops up, ""Hey! We agreed that you'll stop calling me that and I'll stop calling you 'cunt squatter.'"""

"I can really only think of one thing worse than genocide. Jews."

"When a clock is hungry... it goes back four seconds."

"Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first."

"[buying a wood chipper] ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in? SALESMAN: What? ME: What?"

"CHEF: You're fired ME: Is it cause I call beef patty's ""beef patricias?"" CHEF: Yes ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef- CHEF: GET OUT"